Part of being an artist or any type of creative is wanting your work to reach other people. You want your work to be admired and accepted. But for me it got to a point where that’s the only reason I was creating anything. I was only in it to please others and get satisfaction from that, and in turn I lost what the actual purpose of creating is. I do it to enjoy myself, but I wasn’t, I wasn't loving any of it. I took time away from social media to try to get away from that. Cause in a way, social media partially led to me becoming someone who created just to get approval from others. There’s a balance in how you try to approach this. There’s a balance with everything in my life that I’m still learning.
There's certain conflicts that have consumed me for years. But for a long time I never addressed any of it. It might be because of fear, or maybe it just never affected me as much as it started to. I ran away from it for a long time. That's what humans do. We run, and run, and run. But our problems are faster than us, and eventually they catch up to us and overlap our minds. There comes a point where we can't keep running away; I stopped running away.
We sometimes hold on to the negative moments of our environment and store it in the back of our minds. It might be because we use that as a defense mechanism, or again because of fear. We don't want to be harmed. I've held onto these bad moments because I never wanted those things to happen to me. But because of this, it's held me back in different areas of life and I have not been able to be myself. I wasn't able to cherish anything around me, I wasn't able to enjoy myself or anything I was doing. I think holding onto these bad moments prevented me from ever being able to take chances, to create opportunities, to love properly, to admire what I have. You start realizing this once it starts damaging you and the people around you.
For a moment I was pretty lost. Life never stops though, so as I tried to figure all this out I still had to live my life. It'd be cool if you could just press pause on life, fix yourself, press play and continue with a new approach. But that's not the case. I had no balance and it led to bad decisions and bad mistakes. For a long time I've been trying to find a new approach to life. One where I can actually be myself, and not be in a state where my fear and environment consumes my every thought. The endless amount of problems in life sometimes hinder that. But I've been searching.
I don't know if you can ever have a fully positive approach to life, but my mentality is not where it was before. I'm aware of how my past experiences turned me into some stranger, and I've been addressing that. I'm learning everyday.
You can never go back, you can only try to make things better than before.
Life still isn't perfect, but it's still worth living.