It’s not hate, or dislike, because I feel love. I’m not sure what it is, but it feels like being suffocated. Different from trying to evolve, roam. Being confined to one place does not pair well with my way of being. I like to be here, or there, sometimes here and there. Recently, I think I’ve been nowhere. Or maybe I’ve just entered somewhere I’ve never been before, because it does feel new. But it’s new in the same way that a person you eventually came to hate was once new to you. The difference with this is, I already hate it. There’s no need to further evaluate this atmosphere. I know myself and know that this is somewhere I wish I never entered. As soon as stepped foot inside this place, something changed, with me. A bad change for sure, behaviorally. But maybe this change in behavior was just an innate reaction to stepping into an area I never belonged inside of, similar to when a young cat’s behavior becomes erratic when it sees a mouse. The cat acts out of instinct. Maybe I did too. It’s not something I’m proud of. With more interactions with the mouse, the cat learns how to maneuver itself better, it has better reactions. I’m not sure how long I’m going to have to be in this space, but in the time that I’m here, my reactions have to be better.
For all the times that you do drift off everywhere, there’s those few periods when you don’t. A lot of times it’s not a choice. It’s predestined or predetermined, pre-something. There’s no preparation for it. So for the most part, your responses to these periods are organic. It’s a telling way of putting into perspective where you actually are with your emotions. one of these periods just begun for me. My response was off. For that, I apologize.